Social conventions were unequal to my introverted apathy — In the Long Ago, the edicts governing suburban life were laid down on stone tablets procured from a Sears catalog. Such rules included things such as: thy lawn shall be shorter than thy neighbor’s, lest thou appear a lazy slob. thou shall not blocketh the sidewalk with thy motor vehicle. …

This morning I was appreciating the pleasant soreness and slight, residual swoleness of lifting yesterday. There’s something so satisfying about the way the skin feels stretched, as though the bicep might come bursting out, Kool-Aid man style. Although if that actually happened, it would probably be horrific. As I was…

Medium Writer’s Fund: Sponsor a writer today — Before nightfall, 40,000 writers will die from indifference and neglect. 55 will die before before you finish reading this on the toilet. To most of us, these writers are nameless, faceless hacks. But they each have a name and you can help them for only 17 cents a day. Hello…

I expect three of you will pass — That headline is 100% true — according to the email Medium sends out periodically to update you on your followers, I picked up an astonishing 842 new followers last month.

Does Indiana Jones love snakes, too? — Photos surfaced last week of renowned archeologist Dr. Henry “Indiana” Jones, Jr., attending a Nazi rally in Germany. Dr. Jones largely built his outsized reputation fighting Nazis, but this revelation casts doubt on the veracity of those stories. Was Indiana Jones a Nazi collaborator all along? “That is preposterous,” Dr…

That’s what she said: Star Wars edition — Star Wars is a modern day fairytale, the quintessential blockbuster, and an intrinsic part of my own origin story. It’s also secretly kinky as all get out. I was in High School when I first realized how risqué Star Wars really was (is that why I’ve always been drawn to…

Scorsese: ‘Casablanca by way of Ben-Hur, with more T&A’ — In a bid to better reflect the struggles and realities of the real world, Marvel Studios has elected to keep their most recognizable star at home for his next crime-fighting foray. …

Is it really that hard to be considerate? — I just wrapped up a short vacation at an indoor water park here in Michigan. One last taste of summer before our kids’ activities resume their monopolistic hold over our lives. We had a nice time, but the fun was not without its challenges. …

“I moved on space like a bitch.” — Blue Origin, the private aerospace company founded by Jeff Bezos, successfully delivered Bezos to the edge of space on July 20, 2021. The design of the spaceship has rather phallic proportions, which most took as an unintentional, if hilarious, faux pas. …

You won’t believe step 3! — Ernest Softworks is excited to announce Scribbles, an innovative writing AI. Scribbles uses a proprietary, military-grade algorithm to generate viral articles — every time! Here are just a few articles Scribbles created in the past two seconds: Make More Money By Making More Money My Stats and Also My Money…

The thrilling conclusion of ‘The Geriatric Trilogy' — EXT. CONNECTICUT COLONIAL — DAY A Tesla hovercar parks at the top of the circle drive. The doors open and a pair of men in suits step out. They look up at the house. SUIT 1: Are you even sure he’s still alive? He must be over 150 years old. …

Better living through social conventions — Congratulations! You have lived through a global pandemic. Your complementary certificate is on its way! We at PAC — People Against COVID— recognize that our trial is not yet over. You may have survived COVID but now you face the greatest test mankind has ever devised — other people. …

She now suspects an alien is wearing his skin — Rose Parker had been married twenty-six years when the unthinkable happened. “I asked George to empty out the dishwasher before I went to bed. …

The prison journal of Ms. Whiskers, who is innocent of all charges — Day 423 Each day as gray as the last. The air like old kibble. There are many windows but the sun shines weakly when it can only be felt through glass. I miss the tickle of grass underpaw. The wind whispering through my fur. …

Blinded by a lifetime supply of pork chops — A group of scientists have spent the past two years living with a pack of Arctic wolves in Queen Elizabeth Islands. Their goal: uplift the wolves’ consciousness to something approaching human levels. After months of frustration, the researchers had a surprising breakthrough. “It started as a joke,” head researcher Pat…

The videogame icon is tired of Mario’s shit — By the time Luigi’s Range Rover pulls into the empty parking lot, he’s thirty minutes late. He parks beside my sedan and kills the engine. His SUV is green, naturally. The sky rumbles, shaking my windows. The first raindrops splatter the windshield, tracing a path through the fogged glass, running…

“The most rancid thing I’ve eaten since dumpster diving behind Chili’s.” — A zombie was admitted to the ER Friday with an acute case of food poisoning. The attending provider, Dr. Rita Carlson, addressed reporters in the afternoon. “You’ve seen The Exorcist? It was sorta like that – projectile vomiting, the whole nine yards. His head might’ve even spun around at one…